Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
