hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
