Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
