When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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