WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
