You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
