My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
