explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
