The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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