im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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