if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
