Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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