I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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