I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
