AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
