You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
