yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
