He uses pillows to masturbate.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
