i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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