at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
