her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
