never play flip cup with pint glasses
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
