well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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