my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
