Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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