Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
