Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
