Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
