Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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