Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
