On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
