Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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