Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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