we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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