his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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