I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it hurts more in the daytime
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
