Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
