my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
