I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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