How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
