totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
