so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
false alarm, still single
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
