You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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