I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
