who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
