Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
