Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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