Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
