Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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