I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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