whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
