3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
